Solitude

A look around me and the solitude abounds..
I see faces.. I hear voices
with the thickening of the crowd, my insecurity deepens.
A smile, a laugh, a word spoken,
all unmeant, unfelt, untouched ! 

A thousand miles away I roam
lost in thought, lost in my 'i wish's and 'if only's.

What do i wish for ?
What do I lack ? 
What would complete me ?
I have no idea.
Unaware if the fact of lacking something appeals to me or the thought of finding it.

The loneliness continues to grow..
days turn into weeks and weeks into months and I'm stuck in a place still unfamiliar..still unappealing.

I resolve..
I resolve to wash away the cloud in my eyes,
take a fresh look around me and change my pattern of thinking.
Did it work ?
Apparently not.
Everything's just the same, the same scenes, same people, magnified emptiness.

Feels like a vacuum has grown within me,
Solitude has turned physical,
Like a balloon of air stuck in my chest where something else should have been.

My mind battles constantly,
Do I fill the void or do I wait for someone to fill it ?
What if I trust someone to fill it and he fills it with betrayal ?
What if I fill it myself and it only adds to the emptiness ?

Who can i trust if I cant trust my own judgement's. 
They say experience teaches you the best lessons...it taught me the worst.

It teaches you to be smart, manipulative, and critical.
It makes you think twice before saying yes to a loved one,
It makes you say 'yeah rite !' when someone says they love You.
It makes you think of ulterior motives when someone reaches out to You.

Experience has killed my soul.. 
It stuck a knife in me scraped out the remnants of any hope, faith and love that remained.

I'm now in love with Solitude,
I trust loneliness,
and look forward to another empty day

Yes I wish to change it but don't trust the change !

 





 


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